My fiance is not helping with the wedding planning
Let me guess, you have started to feel overwhelmed with all the details that go into planning your perfect wedding from narrowing down the many different vendors to picking out design elements to planning the logistics. And through all this stress you have been lucky if your fiancé has poured you a glass of wine. The fact is 99% of the wedding planning is done by the bride. Ok, we might be over exaggerating a bit, but in most cases it sure feels that way. So how do you ask for help from your fiancé when you know he will most likely not make the effort that you need him to?
Step 1 - Acceptance
Take a deep breath, maybe pour yourself a glass of wine and get ready for some bad news….your fiancé probably does not care nearly as much about the wedding day as you do. This is by no means a reflection on how much he loves you and wants to marry you. The first step is to accept this. If you had planned on him being with you every step of the planning process and putting in the same effort, you are most likely going to end up disappointed. I know there is a great deal of men out there pulling their own weight, but they fall into the minority. Once you accepted the inevitable you’re ready to move onto Step 2.
Step 2 –Develop an Understanding
He loves you with all is heart and the last thing he wants to do is see you stressed out. This is the step where you explain to him how much effort you are putting into this, but also to explain to him that you recognize he may not be as much into the details as you. The key to this step is to clearly articulate how much this means to you and that the details are extremely important. The last thing you need is him trying to convince you that you shouldn’t be stressing about the details. At this point you set the stage for the fact that you need him to help, but also come to an understanding that he details need to be taken care of.
Step 3 – Ask for help in the right areas
Essentially in step two you eloquently told him that you needed help just not with anything he would potentially screw up. So what can he actually help with? Before we even get into the “what” you need to be prepared to set clear guidelines and deadlines. This will be extremely important as your finance may be a procrastinator or one that looks for the ‘quick and easy’. This is your chance to set some parameters that will hopefully give him the opportunity to help, but not fail. With that said, let’s dive into the areas that make sense for him to help which will mostly fall into the logistics.
- Transportation – this includes your day of transportation needs along with any other transportation that needs to be planned such as shuttle service from a hotel if you have a large out of town presence. Make sure you let him know the expectations of the type of service you expect or you may end up in a taxi. Also, be clear on when you expect it to be booked by or he may be calling around the week before the wedding.
- Accommodations – Put him in charge of getting a block of rooms for out of town guests and a wedding suite if you plan on staying in a hotel room that night. Let him know the budget and your minimum expectations (star ratings/amenities/location).
- Welcome Gifts for overnight guests – if you are planning to give your out of town guests a welcome gift just let your fiancé know the budget per bag and put him in charge.
- Rehearsal Dinner - you may want to be involved in the key choice of location, but in terms of the logistics you should leave it up to him to deal with this vendor
- Budget Management – this is probably a good idea for multiple reasons. First, he may actually want to and be good at this portion. Second, this may be a good sanity check for you as the costs start to add up. Lastly, this is a great way to keep on top of his other tasks as you can approach him at the right time asking “did we stay in budget on our wedding transportation?” If he hasn’t lined up a service yet you will quickly hear him stumble.
Step 4 – Stay on top of him, but don’t take over
This is easier said than done. The key is to stay informed about his progress and communicate, but don’t freak out and start taking over unless it becomes dire. He needs a little bit of room to do things his way and if you set some clear boundaries the only thing you should be worried about is the timing. It doesn’t hurt to set deadlines a few weeks earlier than really needed to give yourself some cushion.
In a Nut Shell
He knows how much this day means to you and you know that you really want to make the major decisions around the décor and ambiance yourself. I have not come across too many grooms that have wanted to play large roles in those types of decisions. For the most part they want to make sure you are happy within a reasonable budget. They’ll be happy to help with some of the logistics if it helps to keep the planning as stress free as possible.